Fun Family & Good Friends – that's what life should be about

Posts tagged “love

Imagine All The People

Imagine a family.

Your family.

The average family.

Husband.  Wife.  2.4 children.  Home.  Friends.  Life.

Build the world around that.

Colour in the moments that make up that family…

hugs
kisses
whispers in the dark to your best friend, the one you share your life, your fears, your dreams with
smiles
laughter
dinner parties
doing the dishes together
watching a movie and not watching the end
eating pizza on the lounge room floor
buying a new car and personalising it
arguments and making up
getting ready for the day in the comfort of the well known routine
watching your partner sleep and breathing in their smell
stupid-smiling when their name appears on your caller id
seeing your children carefree and secure in their home
visiting family and listening to their stories
knowing your partner’s skin as well as you know your own
discovering strange and exotic places together like a secret only the two of you know
safe in the knowledge that if something happens to one it happens to all and you are strong
knowing all the sounds of your home at every hour of the day and night
embracing children that were not yours but are now forever
not ever having to think about being alone on weekends, holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, because someone, your someone is always there even when they’re not
creating your family from people who are not your family but become your family, their family, our family

Imagine all of that, a lifetime past and the lifetime you had planned, your forever family, gone in the blink of an eye.  Nothing left but ash and tears and memories.

Welcome to my invisible prison.  Some days, if I let it, it smothers me, crushes me, doubles me over, and I can’t breathe for the grief of losing it all.

I get so angry if I think about it too much.  How I lost everything and others get to keep it all.  Others have been given what was mine with no more thought than passing the salt.  Others see the shell that’s left and don’t understand what’s missing.  Others don’t even know how easy it is to lose and that when it’s gone it’s gone forever.

So I try not to think about it.  Anger just eats you up inside and there is not much left of me to lose.  I can’t afford to let anything else go.

There is only me.

~

I got to keep moving to stay warm ’cause I’m freezing in this room
And if I prove no good here I’ll skip to where I should
It’s only an imaginary vigil that we keep
You salvage what you need I’ll take the love you leave
I love your way
I can’t explain
What made me change
I’m wading in deeper ever deeper as I go
I drown the whole idea as I drift away from you
It’s only an imaginary vigil that we keep
You salvage what you need I’ll take the love you leave
And as the memory gathers dust, buried in its crust
Are the remains of what we’ve done and the seeds of what we just begun
The tapping of the rain beats a corrugated drum
And the city glow well it pulses on to the city hum
Until the day is done
Powderfinger Love Your Way

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Define Me

My entire adult life I’ve defined myself by who I am to others.  Daughter.  Mother.  Wife.

These are roles that I have chosen or been given.  Important roles.  Yet each one presents only a piece of who I am.  I am all of them, but they are not who I am.

I’ve also thought, since the age of 15, that I knew who the love of my life was, and that has defined me too.  I have felt like half a person, incomplete without him, yin to his yang.  I based all of my fundamental beliefs on love and romanticism and relationships on a lie and I have paid the price for that.  My heart is empty and it hurts to feel anything.  The foundation I built my world on was rotten and has fallen beneath my feet.

I believed in one soulmate.  I believed love conquers all and everything would work out if I just had faith.  I believed that our story was romantic, I loved to tell it, even if I had to edit out the ugly parts that showed the truth.  I believed that no matter what we would be together because that is what soulmates did.  I believed that he and I were alike, two peas in a pod, and that I could define myself by who he was.

I built myself a castle made of ice and glass and high expectations and wondered why it shattered around me.

He is gone, the lie exposed, and everything I defined myself by went with him.  So much of me wrapped up in him, I’ve struggled to remember where he ends and I begin.  What do I like?  What do I want?  What do I think?  How do I feel?

Things are changing.  I find myself stretching now, redefining who I am on my own, colouring in the empty yang half, to make myself complete without him.  It feels good, partly because I know that I will never have to go through this again.

I have struggled with acceptance, with being alone, with letting go.  One of the hardest things for me to do was forgive myself for making all the mistakes that led me here.  The mistaken beliefs, forgiving things that were unforgivable, seeing people as who I wanted them to be instead of who they are, not respecting myself enough to hold true to who I am and who I want to be.

I have no one to blame but myself.  I made the decisions even as I knew they were the wrong ones.  I let go of who I was because it was easier than accepting the truth and challenging the beliefs I had formed.  I have realised that you have to stand up for your principles, even when it hurts like hell and rips your guts out.  Especially then.

Writing this blog is hard.  It terrifies me to be so vulnerable to the entire world.  For some strange reason it’s harder knowing that friends and family read this, but I’m not good at talking.  Writing helps me share what’s going on for me to those that are closest when the words are too hard to say.  I worry that it’s too sad, too self-orientated, not interesting.  But this blog is helping me to redefine who I am, even if right now I am sad and self-orientated.  I won’t always be this way.

I may always be different things to different people.  Daughter.  Mother.  Wife.  The most important thing for me to be is Me.


Go

Go Your Own Way – Fleetwood Mac

 

Loving you
Isn’t the right thing to do
How can I ever change things that I feel

If I could
Baby I’d give you my world
How can I
When you won’t take it from me

You can go your own way
Go your own way
You can call it
Another lonely day
You can go your own way
Go your own way

Tell me why
Everything turned around
Packing up
Shacking up is all you wanna do

If I could
Baby I’d give you my world
Open up
Everything’s waiting for you

You can go your own way
Go your own way
You can call it
Another lonely day
You can go your own way
go your own way

 

(and yes, I know, I seem to be on a bit of a Mac trip atm, deal.  I’m loving the music.)


Sometimes, when you fall, you fly…

I am worried that I have become very cynical about love.  I’ve felt love at first sight, found the love of my life, and yeah, that didn’t go too well…  twice…  (with the same love lol).

But I don’t think love was the problem, we had plenty of that.  I think I fell into the mistake of thinking that love was enough, that I didn’t have to work on it because the love was so strong.  Big lesson there.  You always have to work on it.  My couple friends are now my role models in love, I see the work they put in to their relationships and I wish I could have known how to do that before.  Would it have made a difference?  One of those things I will never know.

A few years ago, I discovered what is now my favourite book – The Prophet.  I am not a religious person, but the poetry and honesty of the passages make such perfect sense to me.  It speaks of marriage and children and time and friendship and joy and sorrow.  Life lessons.

I wanted to share the section on Love, to remind me that love is not supposed to be easy…

When love beckons to you, follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.  Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,

So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.

He sifts you to free you from your husks.

He grinds you to whiteness.

He kneads you until you are pliant;

And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, “God is in my heart,” but rather, “I am in the heart of God.”

And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love’s ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

The Prophet – Kahlil Gibran