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Posts tagged “grief

Imagine All The People

Imagine a family.

Your family.

The average family.

Husband.  Wife.  2.4 children.  Home.  Friends.  Life.

Build the world around that.

Colour in the moments that make up that family…

hugs
kisses
whispers in the dark to your best friend, the one you share your life, your fears, your dreams with
smiles
laughter
dinner parties
doing the dishes together
watching a movie and not watching the end
eating pizza on the lounge room floor
buying a new car and personalising it
arguments and making up
getting ready for the day in the comfort of the well known routine
watching your partner sleep and breathing in their smell
stupid-smiling when their name appears on your caller id
seeing your children carefree and secure in their home
visiting family and listening to their stories
knowing your partner’s skin as well as you know your own
discovering strange and exotic places together like a secret only the two of you know
safe in the knowledge that if something happens to one it happens to all and you are strong
knowing all the sounds of your home at every hour of the day and night
embracing children that were not yours but are now forever
not ever having to think about being alone on weekends, holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, because someone, your someone is always there even when they’re not
creating your family from people who are not your family but become your family, their family, our family

Imagine all of that, a lifetime past and the lifetime you had planned, your forever family, gone in the blink of an eye.  Nothing left but ash and tears and memories.

Welcome to my invisible prison.  Some days, if I let it, it smothers me, crushes me, doubles me over, and I can’t breathe for the grief of losing it all.

I get so angry if I think about it too much.  How I lost everything and others get to keep it all.  Others have been given what was mine with no more thought than passing the salt.  Others see the shell that’s left and don’t understand what’s missing.  Others don’t even know how easy it is to lose and that when it’s gone it’s gone forever.

So I try not to think about it.  Anger just eats you up inside and there is not much left of me to lose.  I can’t afford to let anything else go.

There is only me.

~

I got to keep moving to stay warm ’cause I’m freezing in this room
And if I prove no good here I’ll skip to where I should
It’s only an imaginary vigil that we keep
You salvage what you need I’ll take the love you leave
I love your way
I can’t explain
What made me change
I’m wading in deeper ever deeper as I go
I drown the whole idea as I drift away from you
It’s only an imaginary vigil that we keep
You salvage what you need I’ll take the love you leave
And as the memory gathers dust, buried in its crust
Are the remains of what we’ve done and the seeds of what we just begun
The tapping of the rain beats a corrugated drum
And the city glow well it pulses on to the city hum
Until the day is done
Powderfinger Love Your Way

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