“Iron rusts from disuse, stagnant water loses its purity, and in cold weather becomes frozen; even so does inaction sap the vigors of the mind.” Leonardo da Vinci
As if this year’s family events weren’t difficult enough, an additional effect of everything we’ve been through has been the forced focus on the past. I knew that I didn’t want to relive all that stuff, but it was a necessary evil; it had to be done, there was no way out of it.
What I didn’t realise was that the rearvision mirror focus would stick around without me noticing. It’s taking mindful awareness to gradually shift my focus back on the future, to put it back where it was 12 months ago. I need to stop living in the past, there is nothing good there, only shadows of what was and what could have been.
I need to stop comparing myself to who I used to be. And I need to stop comparing how far I’ve come with how far others have come in the same time. It’s taken me a long time to come to an acceptance of the past, to be able to view it without emotion, to put all the pieces of the puzzle together in a way that made sense. I’m glad I’m there now. It feels good to understand.
I’ve had to spend most of my year looking at the bad things, relating them, dealing with them, over and over and over again. I got bogged down in it. I let it swallow me. I let it become my world.
The events that led to me living in the past are finished, for now, and I’m grateful that I can move forward again and focus on making my world what I want it to be. I’m tired of being chained down by other people’s actions, I’m tired of being controlled, I’m tired of being afraid. I just want to be free.