Both Sides Of The Mirror
This week feels like it has been here forever. It seems like an age ago that it was last week.
So much has happened. So much has yet to happen.
So many highs and lows, an emotional rollercoaster ride. But I’ve been here before, this ride and I are old friends. I know when the curves are coming. I know when I’m about to turn upside down. The thrill is gone. The fear is gone. It’s all about going through the motions now. Getting to the end of the ride. Until next time. Because that is the only unknown here. When the rollercoaster ride is going to start again.
One side of my life right now is celebratory, happy, comfort, fun. Awesome things have happened, positive outcomes. There have been plans for months, arrangements made, it’s time to party.
Another side is grieving, sad, worried, shocked, shaken. The strong has fallen. The trapdoor has opened beneath everyone’s feet. Stark mortality and the suddenness with which it can appear is the unwelcome friend in the room. Here. Gone.
Deju vu is enveloping me, past grief that never really becomes past, a black beat repeating its hauntingly familiar tune. The wounds haven’t healed from last time and are being ripped apart afresh. Layers of grief with a common theme. Here. Gone. Emptiness. No choices. No future. No way to change the past. Mistakes stand in stone forever. Loved ones don’t come back.
The changes between the past and the present are yet another thing to mourn. Once supported, I stand alone. There are less people now to stand by my side. More people to grieve for, fresh grief breathes new life into old grief.
Yet my grief is nothing compared to others, I am ashamed of my grief, knowing it is not enough, knowing others feel it more keenly, their loss is greater. I am ashamed of my happiness, to be happy when grieving. How dare I be happy when others’ worlds have fallen around them? How dare I be grieving when everyone around me is happy? I want to be happy and grieve at the same time.
Shiny. Dull. Here. Gone. Happy. Sad. Up. Down.
The view at any given moment depends entirely on which side of the mirror you are standing on.