Written In The Stars
So far this year has not turned out like I was expecting it to. This was supposed to be my year of no drama, a fresh start, a year of peace and healing and moving forward.
Instead it started with my family in crisis, a mother’s nightmare that I wish upon no one. While the heart of the crisis lasted five days (the longest, most awful five days and nights of my entire life, every minute felt like years), the ripple effect of what happened continues to affect us on a day to day basis and will continue to do so for quite some time to come.
My baby is so traumatised she can’t be alone. It has taken me weeks to get her to sleep alone all night in her own bed, and still more nights than not she comes into my bed in the middle of the night. She hates going to sleep on her own, most nights I lie beside her until she falls asleep. She wants to be in the same room as me every minute (including the bathroom, sigh) and it takes some serious negotiation to get her to go anywhere without me. She is terrified that if she lets me out of her sight, someone will take her away from me, and I am the only constant in her life, the only one who has never left her, the only one she trusts.
This is on top of a major life change, relocating towns, leaving friends and the familiar, and making all new connections. This on it’s own was expected to be difficult, but at least I had a plan, a carefully organised plan, to help her transition. That plan got thrown in the bin in the chaos, so not only is she dealing with what happened to her, she is struggling to deal with learning new routines, being in a new place, and making new friends.
We have a long road to go; many court dates, meetings with lawyers, trawling through my memory and history to remember happily forgotten traumas, the future uncertain. However, everything outside that part of our lives is exactly where I wanted us to be this year.
Where we are now feels like where we are supposed to be. It feels predestined, like where we have been headed our whole lives. It’s a strange feeling, since it means that I was supposed to go through everything that has happened in my life, the last four years in particular. Surely it can’t have been meant to be, all that pain? And yet, in a perverse way, it makes the peace of our lives now all that sweeter.
In my teen years, my diaries were not so much ‘this is what I did today’ than dreams for my future and glued in pictures of places I wanted to go. When packing, I came across one such picture in an old diary, of the lighthouse near where we live. It’s not a hugely popular lighthouse, not iconic, yet there it was and here I am. Adding to the coincidence, it was on the same page as a picture of the building where I spent a lot of my twenties, my place of work and a major piece of my life’s education.
When unpacking, I found two of my old photos albums from my teens had a patch of mould growing on the edge. When removing the photos to put them in a new album, I discovered photos of a fondly remembered high school excursion, to this town, pictures of my friends on our local beach. It looks the same and it’s no wonder being there fills me with a sense of having come full circle, of being where I’m supposed to be.
My baby and I spent the morning at the beach. The beach beneath the lighthouse in my diary. The beach in aging photos with friends. The beach that is going to go a long way towards healing both our souls. After playing in the waves, we went for a walk amongst the rock pools; my Bug was fascinated with the hermit crabs, sea snails, starfish, crayfish, baby fish, the visual effect of the water rippling over the rocks. Moments of respite and peace in our annoyingly chaotic lives. Moments when my baby is not afraid, but filled with the wonder of nature and discovery, like any other child her age.
I would have taken a picture, but I (deliberately) left my phone at home…
I have no idea what’s next for us. I am certain that the chaos is not done with us yet. I know there is more drama yet to come. But I do know that whatever happens, it was written in the stars and we will continue to move forward.
Scarily accurate so far… time will tell…